Feeling lucky

Possession.  I am in possession of much.  I have the tangibles - clean water, food, property, and even luxury goods.  I have the intangibles - love and support from family and friends.  I even have romantic love available - if I could open myself up to it.  In short, I'm lucky, and I know it.

I have all this, so why do I feel the sadness attributed to lack?  Maybe what I'm missing is something to dream about.  The dreams I had about what my life could be were so very vague in my youth, and have subsequently been swept away by rejection and failure in the last decade. The reality of rejection and failure is so prevalent that I can no longer expect anything else. I now fully expect to fail, or to be rejected, and no dreams intrude on this reality.

So when I lay down on my pillow at night I do not know what utopia, what possession, what fate to think about.  What do you dream of when you believe you can never possess that dream?  The answer, of course, is that you only sleep; you embrace the numb stasis of slumber and dream of nothing at all.

If you'll forgive these paltry analogies and comparisons, I'll simply conclude that I'm a lucky sleepwalker, and I know neither how to wake up or how to dream, and therefore do not know how to live.

"The world of men is dreaming, it has gone mad in its sleep, and a snake is strangling it, but it can't wake up."
-David Herbert Lawrence

Weddings

Claire Pettibone - 'Midnight'

There’s going to be a wedding!  (Not mine.)  Actually, there are going to be three weddings; I’m in the rare position of having an engaged best friend, an engaged mother, and an engaged father.

My father and his third wife-to-be are slated to have a quiet, group style wedding in their church, so no specific planning on my part is going into his upcoming nuptials.  All I need to do is show up and be happy for him!  This is a good thing as the other two weddings are slated to be affairs with capital ‘A’s.

Not only am I in the wedding parties for these two, but I’m helping with the planning for my Bf’s wedding, and am the full on planner for my Mum’s wedding.  So far, wedding planning has been great fun.   We’ve visited quite a few venues, met caterers, photographers, DJs, and bakers.  Who wouldn’t like sampling various flavors of wedding cake from an upscale bakery?!

While the cakes were delicious, it has not my favorite part.  Cake cannot compare to the finding of THE dress.  I had the honor of being present when both my brides chose their gowns.  I absolutely loved the expressions of delight on their faces when they put on those gowns and looked at their reflections; it was such a beautiful moment to behold. 

It has been a joy to be involved in every part of the planning of these two weddings.  I have not experienced severe jealousy, grown tired of talking about the weddings, or felt sadness over being a singleton as some bridesmaids have been known to do.  But because I am the last single girl in my closest group of friends, I do admit to feeling a little bit like the last unicorn.  I have also worried about how the dynamics of my relationships with these wonderful women will change once the weddings are over and the marriages underway.

I can also admit that in the midst of all this wedding planning, I’ve done more thinking about my own wedding than I ever have before.  I wasn’t one of those little girls who dreamed of weddings.  Growing up I was not someone who went to many weddings.  Despite the fact that, for me, marriage is in the ‘maybe someday’ category (as I’m single and past my prime) I caught planning fever. 

I couldn’t help it; maybe I missed my calling as an event planner, maybe I’m making up for a lack of wedding exposure in my youth, maybe I’m crazy, but I have the ring (pictured), dress (pictured), venue, and colors picked out.  It will be vintage fabulous if it ever happens.

In the meantime, my brides have picked out some kick-ass bridesmaids’ dresses in beautiful colors that I get to wear.  I get to eat cake, drink champagne, and celebrate with very special people in my life.  In short, my fourth and fifth times as a bridesmaid will be moments that I always cherish whether I’m ever the bride or not.